A perfect ‘match’

“That was a hell of a match!” Raj exclaimed.

“Of course yes. Especially that six Yuvi hit!” Vineet recalled. “What did you like Sarthak?”

“Sarthak…?”

His eyes didn’t at all move to his best friends. They were locked in a direction he himself was unaware of. Maybe, they were staring into space. He walked across the isle of seats in the white brilliance of the flood lights that stood tall in the Eden Gardens Stadium. A plethora of emotions was running in him. Memories…they took him back to two years before when Anushka had painted his life colourful. He felt the exact nerve-wracking feeling which he had felt on that special day when he had proposed to her. How his legs shaked, sweat trickling down his forehead. And the very next moment how much elated he was! He remembered his first date with her – the first kiss that is – and the sensuality of the moment. How could he miss the gentle touch of her fingers on his lips to wipe off the cream of the ice cream they had together? Then there were those ‘I love you’ refrains. He couldn’t help but curse himself for leaving her…

“…Sarthak? What happened man?”

He barely knew how to react to the question. He fumbled between words to answer to his best friend. Finally he spoke,

I didn’t see the match, nor did she. I didn’t even see the people sitting beside me. She was sitting on the eighth seat right… Forget it, seven thousand bucks paid off really well!

And a smile lit his face.

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Sophomore… Time flies!

Hi there!

Is it true that you get blogging ideas when you’re lying on your bed, doing absolutely nothing? I guess it is. It was in the transcience of that moment when I realized that my Freshmen year at college is over. Not a big deal, you might say, but it’s the delusion of the clock that baffled me. I mean, I never realized all this time that I had joined college a year ago. Even now, as I type this, I feel I had joined here just two months ago! It was just “two months” ago that I was finding it difficult to live away from home. I remember sitting on the sofa at the dead of the night when everyone in my house was asleep. I just couldn’t sleep. The thought that it was my “last night” in home had haunted me terribly. I looked at everyone’s sleeping faces and I could not be more nostalgic!  And then the cliched thing happened – incessant tears started rolling down my cheeks. I tried hard to control them, but it would not stop. There I sat motionless, trying to supress the already silent sobs and the tears when, out of nowhere, my mom embraced me. She was awake all this time! Mothers are mothers after all. It was “two months” ago that I felt a little insecure seeing masses of new faces all around – in my class, in my hostel, in the entire new city, for Gods’ sakes! It was just “two months” ago that I made a handful of good friends. But truth is, I had been so busy in trying to adapt to a totally new lifestyle that I never saw time fly.

But what I did see is the changing colours of people. Old ones, new ones, everyone’s. Well, almost. You know, to fantasize about takiing along with you every one of them who’ve stayed by you all this time would be a blunder. You’ll eventually leave behind the majority. Maybe, if you happen to be lucky enough, that one best friend will stick up to your a** forever. And guess what, mine did!

You know, life’s tricky. The people who you thought you hated for life eventually turn out to be the ones you love! For instance, my roommates and other fellow classmates. (Hey roomies, if you people ever read this, don’t take it to your hearts. I love you!) And there are some you click with in the very first time you meet them. (Cliche: Holy shit! Where have you been all my life?!)  I may have completed one year of the four best years of one’s life, which kind of makes me sad – one year already over, but there are three more years to go – reason to be happy.

College is the time you got productive and responsible. I have started hating sitting idle and sleeping. College effect! So in order not to waste my three months stay at home, I have registered in an online course which I hope would do me good. I so hope! 

I think that’ll be enough for today, rather tonight. Goodbye until the next post! Signing off!

 

To the Friend I lost in time

Just wanted to check on you if you’re doing good. Oh and I’m sorry I can’t name you, sadly, because people start assuming that we were losers. Not all do this, but I know there are some. I don’t care though, neither would you, but I don’t want to earn us a bad name. You get that, right?

You know, I miss you. I really do, now more than ever. I’m sure you miss me too but just like me, you’re afraid of admitting it personally. Maybe, you write entries in your diary – unlike me who rather prefers typing digitally. What else can we do? We don’t talk heart to heart anymore. In fact, we rarely talk. I was never good at remembering dates, but hasn’t it been long, quite long, since we last talked? And I mean one real, deep, peaceful conversation. Remember the days when we were just a call away? Remember those 2 AM conversations we used to have almost daily and we never ran out of topics? Remember how you used to have anxiety attacks if you didn’t bitch about people you didn’t like? I hated listening to your rants back then, but, ironically, now I can stake my life to listen to those rants again. I wonder how in a blink of an eye, everything got lost somewhere down the line. Now, I pick up the phone to call you but I don’t, because I know you don’t feel the same about us anymore. I hate to do it but I have to. Life’s tricky. When it plays its own ways, we are screwed. Who knew we’d be fighting with our self-respects? When did that creep in between us?

I know it’s hard for everything to be normal again. Maybe, it was all my fault. Maybe it was yours. Let’s not get into that argument again and let us just share the blame. Will that be okay? I guess. But to be honest with you, I wouldn’t blame any of us except Time. We have changed and I don’t really know if our connection has. It’s hard to tell right now. You are someone I’ll forever have a soft corner for. Because admit it, at some point of my life you were the best person for me. ‘Best’ in the real sense of the word. The best friend, the best companion, the best listener, the best advisor and most uniquely, in you I saw the best version of me. Trust me when I say this, nobody mattered to me the way you did. Unfortunately, time didn’t want that.

It scares me to imagine what would it be like when (if) I’ll meet you sometime later. Will we talk formally – like strangers who know everything about each other? Or will we meet like we used to meet until a year ago? I don’t want to think about that. It makes me sad. Anyways, I think I should sign off now. Take care.

Oh and did I tell you that I still look forward to the last promise we made about eating a large Farmhouse pizza together over a movie?

Bye.

 

Fading times

I saw you on the streets, holding his hands

Looking into his eyes, just like you looked ino mine

Asking him if he’d ever leave you

And trying to match his steps – oh the memories!

 

Afraid of crossing the street, you clenched his palms,

And he, just like me, held you tight

But he couldn’t help but laugh; you punched him playfully

Like we did years ago – oh the memories!

 

You entered ‘The Cafe’ in which the waiters know us,

They recognized you but not him

I’d have been happy if they’d asked you how I am

And you’d have said “Fine, if I am”  – oh the memories! 

 

I stood there stiff and watched you argue over who’s right

I knew deep down he’d have felt so proud to have you

Just like I had. And I saw him say those magical words to you

You replied to him – “I hate those memories”. 

I miss you, Mom

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Ever since the people beside me made loud and unavoidable screeches which interrupted my sleep. I want to tell you how my current life is. Now you’d say that we video chatted just hours ago, but there are some things I can only manage to say through a keyboard. God, whom am I explainig to when you already know this.

Life’s tough here. The nights pass wondering when was the last time I slept peacefully, unafraid of the forthcoming dawn. And days pass living in sordid reality of this place, this horrendous place. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. That I had almost got suspended from college for breaking the law; that I don’t really like engineering and crave for things that make me happy; the girl whom I want in my life; moments when I feel I’m good for nothing; times when I get terrible inferiority complexes with people…just everything. Mom, I’m hurt and broken and totally messed up. Only if you could be here on my bed and I could rest my head on your lap and get my hair caressed. Only if I could listen to yours and papa’s same couple of bedtime stories till I fell asleep. Is it possible? You know, I’ve made myself strong to be able to hear a ‘no’ but in this case I so frantically wish it could be a ‘yes’.

As I write this, I want to tell you that it’s not quiet in here. There are people in this room with unknown faces, hiding their stories, and trying to have a peek into mine. I don’t want to tell them. Even if I will, do you think that they’ll understand? I am still looking for folks who will understand. It’s difficult, isn’t it? I wish I had superpowers like you, to be able to tell who are worth being with and who are not just by looking at or talking to them. I remember when I was a child you used to warn me against a few children of my group – and told me to stay away from them. I used to get irritated with you. But now I know that you were right. You’ve been right all these years. Every damn day when I step out, I feel strange emptiness in the air. Only if you could warn me again, because honestly, I’m failing. I need your golden advice now more than ever.

I hate hostel, mom. I don’t feel nice. I feel suffocated. You know this, don’t you? Will you get angry with me if I say I skipped lunch today because it was abhorrent just like every other day? Turns out, the bowl of boiled pieces of bittergourd which you ran around with, after me, in the entire house, to make me eat them were still better than the chicken curry here.

I miss you a lot, I know you’re with me always and I know you miss me too. But I have to be here for another three and a half years, and perhaps two years more after that. But I promise you, I’ll be happily settled in life and once I become settled, I’ll never leave you.

Love forever,
Your son

Aimless

Hi everyone!

First of all A Very Happy New Year 2018! It’s already been four days of this year and I hope the days were well-spent by you, your friends and your family. 🙂

But you know, I’ve been thinking about myself lately. Twenty-seventeen has passed and it’s been seven months since I joined college.  Before I tell you about my problem, I want to ask you people a question: What do you people do when you feel aimless? I mean, we all feel hopeless and confused about our futures at some point of our lives but very few can figure out the solution. Presently, I am one of the majority, by the way! And trust me, feeling aimless at the start of a year can be devastating. You lose your morale. Then you try manipulate yourself into liking what you’re currently doing but eventually end up messing your head up. Trust me, it’s happening with me as well.

I think the best way to get over this is to first relax and smile. Hey, everybody goes through this and this is in fact a necessity for people to know the miracles they are capable of doing, which they were till now unaware of. You and I, you see, belong to the same clan, which is still waiting for a head-start.  Close your eyes in silence, maybe a few minutes before sleeping at night, and think what makes you happy. Think about what do you want. Not the society, not your parents, not your friends, but You. You know, if you’re happy, everybody around you will be. I had read somewhere that ‘Always keep a pen and a notebook with you before sleeping because, sometimes, million-dollar ideas strikes at 2 AM in the morning.’ It’s while you think of the things you want from life, you will have plenty of ideas. Come on, doing a single thing can’t make you happy! 😉 Now you scrutinize all the ideas according to their priorities and you go the next step: planning to execute.

But before you plan, do know the pros-cons of it, albeit it makes you happy. Once you’re sure, get up and go! It’s your time. Do whatever it takes for a head-start. Collect funds from everywhere legally possible and just do it. Do it even if have to get a bit low, lose people, raise your haters, get low grades in exams, lose peace and the list might go on. No great man became great before getting his a** dragged on the rough soil. If you become great at doing what you love, my friend, you’ve conquered the world.

Regret is a tough feeling, especially on your deathbed. Don’t wait and waste your life doing nothing, or in perfect sense, doing something which makes you feel enslaved. Come on, it’s Democracy man! Life is not always about being rich, sometimes it’s about living rich. Imagine you becoming rich from what you’ve always wanted to do. Your dream career. Think of it now before it’s too late and another year ends, instead of forcefully doing what you are not capable of. But unless you’re sure that the path you chose would make you happy, do not stop doing what you currently are. Precaution!

That’s it from my side today. See you soon. Have a great day and a great year ahead!

How deep is the Internet?

The title looks familiar, isn’t it? Probably, you must have come across various web pages/articles which tell you how deep it is. Or there is even a probablity that you yourself have pondered over this question a lot of times. And the last probablity is that you might have come across the answer to the question “How deep is the Surface Internet?”

Hola everyone! This is probably (nah, no more probablity, please?) the second blog post since I joined a University.  *Whispers: The Internet had kept me busy, you know.Anyways, back to the job. As per what you and I have known over the decades, the Internet (Surface Internet, that is) is expanding everyday. There are millions of websites accessible to common public – public who create them, in fact. I won’t be surprised if what I’m going to say is already known to you, for, back in 2011, the Deep Web was discovered to the public due to the illicit activities going inside it. It was quite a long time that it was discovered after being created by the US Naval Academy in 1995 for keeping its communication anonymous. Got a hint of what Deep Web is, didn’t you? Okay, so let’s get deeper into the Deep Web. Whatever you see on the Internet (I’m talking about the common people) like the Social Networking sites, the Educational Sites, YouTube, Banking sites and all other commonly accessible websites, which are indexed to the Search Engines like Google and Yahoo!, come under the Surface Web. In fact, if you consider the entire Internet, the Surface Internet comprises only about 5%; rest all is the Deep Web. Yes, you read that right. And in that remaining 95%, twenty percent consists of what is known as the Dark Web. So basically, there are 3 layers of the Internet – that’s how deep it is.

Now coming to the contents of the Deep Web in general, it consists of all the databases which are meant to be hidden. Citing a few examples, like I mentioned earlier that the Surface Web consists of Banking sites, the databases of those sites (Passwords, Account numbers) drop in the Deep Web which are virtually inaccessbile to the common people. Search Engines cannot find them. Likewise, the Government’s official data is kept hidden from the common people – you may find them in Deep Web. Your Facebook and Gmail passwords, all are attributted to the Deep Web. Figuratively, one Gmail account contains a number of hidden webpages that has all the database of your account. You can now guess why the Deep Web occupies 95% of the Internet.

Actually, the Deep Web was used by the Government Agencies to communicate with suspects whilst keeping their anonymosity. But as its use spread across the world, hackers and other psychic minds began intruding into the Deep Web to crumble the privacy of the people associated with the Deep Web. Eventually in 2011, the Deep Web became known to the common people; however, it is still as difficult to access it as it was before. People have tried accessing it and there are a number of incidents that could be cited…and they are disturbing. One of them goes something like this: one man tries to go deep into the World Wide Web by clicking on random links (yes, it is a path to the Deep Web) and after certain attempts, he is directed to a completely black screen. And this is where it gets creepy – a few seconds later, words start to appear in succession which reads “WE CAN SEE YOU”And suddenly after this, he is booted out of the Deep Web automatically. There are cases reported where the webcams of people are hacked once they get into the deep web. There are assailants watching for their prey in the deep web.

What’s more disgusting is the Dark Web, which is located inside the Deep Web. The Dark Web consists of gruesome stuffs which I doubt whether I should mention or not. But since I had intended to write about the other side of the Internet, I must. So once you visit the Dark Web, you might find methods to cook humans (oh, yes), or you might find ways to punish people you hate by registering into “punishment rooms”, as I call them, where they tie your target with ropes and make them see their own death. Torturous, malicious, maiming and harassing deaths. God, it’s better if you don’t imagine it. You browse deep into it and you will find Child Pornography and Drug dealing websites. Not forgetting to mention, weapon dealing platforms and cruelty to animals too.  It does not contain official databases, but it’s even scarier. Except the Surface Web, which you can visit through various browsers, the Deep Web (and of course the Dark Web) can only be visited through Tor, which keeps your idenity hidden throughout. It’s like having a changed VPN. They are the onion links ending in “\onion”.

So I hope now you know how really deep is the Internet. There are additional quadrillions of bits of data apart from the billions of it which you see on the Surface Web. And it’s better not to be curious about it.

STATUTORY WARNING: THIS BLOG POST DOES NOT INTEND TO ENCOURAGE THE ILL-USE OF THE DEEP WEB, NEITHER DOES IT ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO TRY ACCESSING IT. I MYSELF HAVE NOT ACCESSED THE DEEP WEB AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION TO DO SO. ALL THE REFERENCES WHICH ARE MENTIONED HERE ARE AVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET. 

A Home Away From Home – Really?

Hi there!

Long time no post! For those who are not aware, I’ve been admitted into KIIT University
(this is a famous college, for God’s sakes, I don’t really need to mention the location or describe about it, do I?) So yeah, I was busy with my new college life; adjusting in a new environment takes time after all. Satirically, I was busy with my new Home. Sigh!

I remember the first Orientation Programme post joining the University. A lot of achievements, a lot of facilities, a lot of opportunities, a lot of bragging… But one thing that still reverberates in my heart, yes heart, is they called the Hostel life “A Home Away From Home”. Period.

For people to be able to relate to my deep-rooted thoughts, let’s get into some details. To start with, let’s talk about people. You’re surrounded with intermixed cultures, all having different set of values, separated with the language barrier. The sacred beliefs are different as well. And most commonly as it happens, thoughts and habbits differ. I mean, it would be very ridiculous to say that people think similarly  everytime, but for people like me, who get attached to the past, the same old folks who I have grown up with, are always the best. Meeting new people is growth, but finding the ones who share the same qualities like you is luck. Definitely! Plus there comes that trust issue to ruin it all. To be able to trust again to the same extent as you did in the past, the connection you had made with the people close to you, is near to impossible in the beginning. I’m not sure about the future, but the start is always the most difficult step. And quite honestly, an ambivert as I am, I totally suck at it. Not a day goes by when I don’t fantasize about my past…about my people back home. Mom, dad, brother, friends…everyone.

Next comes the food: well mess food is crap. You always miss mumma’s food and the tantrums you used to throw at her regarding the lunch. All seems so long gone. You miss the love, you miss the life. I’m damn sure, there, at least once, comes a time when you sit in solace during the night and think about how much you don’t want the current life you’re living. And you sit there helplessly and aimlessly, staring into the deep dark sky until you realize nothing could be done in the near future (not the distant one). Then it dawns on you: you were the luckiest person to have such amazing people in your life; and now you’re the most unfortunate one to lose all of them in a blink of an eye.

Now,  I don’t necessarily know that whether it’s a problem with me and me alone, or it’s something common among the lot, but I speak the truth – I have still not felt this place as a “Home”. It feels like a No-Man’s land, completely deserted, where I lie in my own blood and think: It’s only me who has to survive in this lifeless life, miss home, miss friends and just carry on…

As I sit on my chair with my laptop on the table in the front, I think maybe, a miracle would happen and I’ll start calling this place “A Home”. Just maybe.

First day at KIIT: Abridged

​After a long journey through the roads of the city of temples, Bhubaneswar, amidst the heavy traffic, we reached the KIIT Convention Centre. The first thing that hit us was a slightly warm day – well that might be because of the sudden escape from the air-conditioned cab. I remember, rolling two big bags and carrying one, all full, and strolling for around 700 metres till the auditorium 7 was quite a job for us. Us includes my father, mother and me, well, of course. The colossal towers and magnificent greenery of KIIT held our eyes captive. 

We attended the Orientation Program in the Auditorium 7 and I was alotted my hostel room. It took us around one hour.  

Kings’ Palace VII, that’s my hostel. They took my biometrics and I was inside the three-bedded room. Once inside, I saw my two other roommates had already arrived and the room was occupied with them and their parents. 

I tell you, befriending people had never been so easy my entire life! Not just for me, parents-parents friendship built up in a blink of an eye: numbers exchanged, hands shaken. I got my belongings that the college had to offer: books, blazer, bucket, cushion, bedsheet, pillow and a laundry bag. Mom arranged the cupboard while I listened to her commandments.

Two hours later, we had known each other fairly well. Superficially, for now. The deep and lifelong friendship awaits… There was another event that we attended and that took an hour. 

It was 6:30 and the time had come for the students to start living a new life without their parents. That included me as well. Reluctance to let go of them was not allowing me to maintain my composure. It felt as if someone was ready with a knife to slice my heart. But blimey, I controlled myself! Not long though. I hugged mom, she hugged me; I hugged dad, he hugged me. Mom kissed me and cried, I choked too. 

I returned to my room which was drenched in darkness. I didn’t feel like turning on the lights. I sat on my bed and contemplated about I don’t know what. However minutes later, my two roommates, Shivam and Sayanjit, reached. Obviously, I had to lie to them. 

And now we are having a group discussion about our likes, dislikes, hobbies and everything. We’ve clicked well with each other. Loneliness doesn’t feel that much effective now. It’s them that I’ve to spend the next four years(or maybe rest of my life) with. Even though, I miss my friends back home. I am thinking about my old friends when Shivam asks me, “What are you typing?” 

“This”, I say and show him my account. 

In the cafeteria (Snippet)

“And then?”, she asked.


“I don’t know. I mean it’s so bizzare. I want everything to be just like before but the truth is, I just said a fantasy.”, I replied, confused.

“I see.” She took a sip of her cappuccino. Then another. One more. I watched her as she emptied her cup. I had already done mine. I tell you if I hadn’t emptied my cup in one breath, I would perhaps have choked and started sobbing. Just when I thought I had managed to control myself, the song played in the cafeteria.

“I’m broken, do you see me?

I’m blinded. Cause you’re everything I see. 

I’m dancing, alone. I’m praying

That your heart would just turn around.

And as I walk up to your door

My head turns to face the floor

Cause I can’t look you in the eyes and say…”


Unfortunately, I had a blank look which favoured her to ask the most dreadful question ever.

“So do you hate her?”

What? I mean I didn’t know. ‘Hate’ had been always a confusing word for me. I fumbled among words to reply. She was staring at me. God.

“…yes.” Damn it, it wasn’t a perfect answer. Why? Because she stared at me even deeper. Now what the hell was I supposed to say?

“Okay so it’s like I don’t hate her actually. I mean, you know, I don’t like her. Maybe I do, but not like before…you getting it?” I said, hoping she had understood every bit and she won’t question me anymore.

She rolled her eyes. And I don’t know what that gesture meant.

“If I’m louder, would you see me? 

Would you lie down in my arms and rescue me.

Cause we are the same, you save me

When you leave it’s gone again.

And then I see you on the street,
In his arms, I get weak,

My body fails, I’m on my knees

Prayin’…”


“Kind of you’re confused; kind of you’re stupid; kind of you’re smart”, she gave her most thoughtful judgement. And, she continued:

“Confused, because, well, you know why; stupid because you’re confused after all this; smart because you pretend nicely that you don’t give a damn. That needs courage man!” She clapped. It was after ten seconds that I realised she was being sarcastic. Damn her!

“Let’s leave now”, I said as I stood up. I think I choked.

“Sir, your strawberry shake?”, the man at the counter reminded me. I was in no mood to feed myself. It’s true that I have two moods. When in stress, either I eat a lot more than my capacity or I don’t eat at all. Just then, she gently put her palm over mine and smiled a slow smile. Someone’s said it right that for a man, a feminine warmth might just exactly be what he needs when he has no idea how much stressed or sad he is. Well, I needed that; and she provided me with it. I was blessed to have a friend like her who had been all ears for me always.

“It’ll be alright, trust me. Let’s go”, she said, still having that empathetic smile. I pulled the door but stopped for a moment to listen to the final verse:

“I’ve never had the words to say

But now I’m asking you to say, for a little while

Inside my arms. And as you close your eyes tonight, I pray that you’ll see the light 

That’s shinin’ from the stars above…”