Been a hell lot busy lately; and probably I’ll be able to post something only after this month 😦
I pity myself!! Anyway, how you doin’? (Joey style? ;))
Missing WordPress…it’s a catharsis for me.
I’ll be back soon though! See you!
Been a hell lot busy lately; and probably I’ll be able to post something only after this month 😦
I pity myself!! Anyway, how you doin’? (Joey style? ;))
Missing WordPress…it’s a catharsis for me.
I’ll be back soon though! See you!
“And then?”, she asked.
“I don’t know. I mean it’s so bizzare. I want everything to be just like before but the truth is, I just said a fantasy.”, I replied, confused.
“I see.” She took a sip of her cappuccino. Then another. One more. I watched her as she emptied her cup. I had already done mine. I tell you if I hadn’t emptied my cup in one breath, I would perhaps have choked and started sobbing. Just when I thought I had managed to control myself, the song played in the cafeteria.
“I’m broken, do you see me?
I’m blinded. Cause you’re everything I see.
I’m dancing, alone. I’m praying
That your heart would just turn around.
And as I walk up to your door
My head turns to face the floor
Cause I can’t look you in the eyes and say…”
Unfortunately, I had a blank look which favoured her to ask the most dreadful question ever.
“So do you hate her?”
What? I mean I didn’t know. ‘Hate’ had been always a confusing word for me. I fumbled among words to reply. She was staring at me. God.
“…yes.” Damn it, it wasn’t a perfect answer. Why? Because she stared at me even deeper. Now what the hell was I supposed to say?
“Okay so it’s like I don’t hate her actually. I mean, you know, I don’t like her. Maybe I do, but not like before…you getting it?” I said, hoping she had understood every bit and she won’t question me anymore.
She rolled her eyes. And I don’t know what that gesture meant.
“If I’m louder, would you see me?
Would you lie down in my arms and rescue me.
Cause we are the same, you save me
When you leave it’s gone again.
And then I see you on the street,
In his arms, I get weak,
My body fails, I’m on my knees
“Kind of you’re confused; kind of you’re stupid; kind of you’re smart”, she gave her most thoughtful judgement. And, she continued:
“Confused, because, well, you know why; stupid because you’re confused after all this; smart because you pretend nicely that you don’t give a damn. That needs courage man!” She clapped. It was after ten seconds that I realised she was being sarcastic. Damn her!
“Let’s leave now”, I said as I stood up. I think I choked.
“Sir, your strawberry shake?”, the man at the counter reminded me. I was in no mood to feed myself. It’s true that I have two moods. When in stress, either I eat a lot more than my capacity or I don’t eat at all. Just then, she gently put her palm over mine and smiled a slow smile. Someone’s said it right that for a man, a feminine warmth might just exactly be what he needs when he has no idea how much stressed or sad he is. Well, I needed that; and she provided me with it. I was blessed to have a friend like her who had been all ears for me always.
“It’ll be alright, trust me. Let’s go”, she said, still having that empathetic smile. I pulled the door but stopped for a moment to listen to the final verse:
“I’ve never had the words to say
But now I’m asking you to say, for a little while
Inside my arms. And as you close your eyes tonight, I pray that you’ll see the light
That’s shinin’ from the stars above…”
This is a short post about being in some of the many circumstances which happens for the last time, and we are unaware of it. It can either make us or break us.
It’s disheartening, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s emancipation…
On the situation.
How many of us are really saddened on realising the fact that it’s for one last time that we are meeting someone? How many of us really feel the bliss on realising that it’s for one last time that we are meeting someone? So, ‘it depends‘.
I still remember my first day in school. No wait, it’s not cliched! I did not cry, trust me. I was happy that finally after two long years I was ready to attend school. Little did I know it was a fourteen-years investment of monotony, homeworks, tests, exams, early morning wake-ups and staying in discipline. Huh! Fortunately some months back, I lived all these drudgeries for one last time. On the flip side though, little did I know it was such a long investment of friendships, those self created lunch breaks in the middle of chemistry class, bunking classes of the deadliest of subjects and hanging out with friends on the staircase behind the library, those stolen glimpses with the girl in the second row in the midst of history class, the cricket matches (“wars”, rather) with other classes to mark our superiority and the memories. It all flashed before me on the very same day when I realised it was for one last time…
Today morning, I woke up early. It was sometime before sunrise. I do not remember the time owing to the overwhelming emotions prevailing within me. The orange-red rays in the horizon was an obvious indication that yesterday had passed. I recalled my day before last night’s conversation with someone special. I did not feel bad the next day after the conversation; but something had happened today. I had failed in my attempts to make it work. You know, there comes a point when you just can’t give anymore. You gave someone all you had and all you could, but not anymore. I kept on looking at the horizon. I don’t know why but it was heart-wrenching. Perhaps it was so because of the realisation that it was for the one last time that I had had a deep conversation and a deep connection with that someone.
Turns out, you never know when someting or a situation becomes the last time you’ll ever see it or be in it. While sometimes it can be good, the other times it becomes unbearable. I don’t know if it is the right solution, but I stongly believe that whatever happens life goes on. And we too must go on with the flow. After all, change is something which comes with a tagline: “Either you adapt or you perish”.
And then it dawned on her: she had nothing left to lose. A drop of tear from her already ‘stoic’ lacrimal glands generated somehow, which ended up near her lips. She could feel a terrible pain in her chest, as if her lungs were compressed. She found it difficult to breathe. And post few seconds, she felt a cringy pain near her cheeks and there she began mourning loudly. Her eyes welled up again – which favoured crying. She could get a blurred image of the report card which she cursed; the books stacked in a messy order on her bed which she cursed as well; the vague visuals and sounds of her parents lamenting her XIIth board exam grades, which obviously she cursed; and, well, she cursed herself the most. But then, she stopped with a sudden sob, as she thought of something that would end all her worries. She wiped her tears, checked the bolt on the door – it was locked. She swtiched off the ceiling fan, placed a table right beneath it, made a knot in her towel, fixed it on it’s obvious location and she was all set to show her acute cowardness to the world by surrendering herself into death’s hand…
Hope. That’s the four letter word which we all ignore when the world falls apart for us. While there are some who regain faith in this miraculous word, there are the rest who don’t even want to regain faith in it. To those people, I personally have an aptronym: cowards. Hope is something that we need for surivival. We all have dreams, passions, ideas or at least something to live for. But when life does not turn out to be favourable and as we had expected it to, we go into a phase which they call ‘depression’. Ask them who’ve been in depression and made out of it, how ‘beautiful’, how really ‘beautiful’ it is to experience! I suppose, every eight out of ten teenagers have been in depression at least once in their adolescence. Be it on a big scale or small, they have experienced it. Okay, so even I’ve been in it. When you’re in it, you feel hopeless. The first thought which comes to your mind is to end your life. Jeez! And it’s after this that you are bombarded with all the negative and gruesome thoughts and ideas you can ever think of. I mean it’s so terrifying. Then there are some complimentary symptoms of depression:
I know your soul needs healing, but without eating? Without sleeping, for God’s sakes? I can do without my gaming console, I can do without my headphones with full bass, I can do without YouTube…but I swear on God I just can’t do a day without eating and sleeping!! How could you people???
It is a million dollar saying…no a billion dollar…wait, a quadrillion dollar saying; chuck it! It’s a true and meaningful saying that “you only get life once.” So why not just live it? Even if there are some obstacles (without which life would be boring, isn’t it?) why not just think of an appropriate solution to cross it? After all, it’s in these situations that you get an authentic chance to show the world how strong and courageous you are. Trust me, the world would bow down to you if you face the challenges that life throws at you and mould the same life into being better – or perhaps the best. All you need is to survive. Survive all the cortisol (the stress hormone) that is released in your body during tough times. Survive all the negative thoughts, especially of ending your life, and not giving in. Survive all the jeers and rants and laments which you will get to hear by the people around you – and flip the scenario by 180 degrees so that you get to hear praises by the same people when you make it through. All you need is hope. Hope for a better life. Hope for making the situation better. All you need is faith in the word ‘hope’. Believe me, hopelessness sucks. Isn’t is too much of a monotonous life if you don’t have a passion for living it to the fullest? Who doesn’t like adventures? Who doesn’t like bragging and exaggerating their childhood and youth stories to people when he becomes old? Who wouldn’t like thinking, on their deathbed, about the splendid life which he or she lived while he/she was young and being content about it? One failure should not stop you from inspiring others. One failure should not stop you from carving your life the way you ever wanted. And obviously, one failure should not stop you from being the one you were destined to become.
With hope overflowing in you, you can make yourself energized again and you will be as good and strong as ever. Trust me, you can and you will.
…just then something happened. A picture of her parents flashed in her mind for a second. She stood on the table stiff and frozen. She could even hear her heart pounding and the sound of her aggravated breaths in the eerie silence. Just when she could not think about anything, thanks to her frozen brain, she heard a knock on the door. Twice, thrice….and for the sixth time in couplets. She regained her senses and stepped down from the table. By this time, she could hear her parents shouting her name on the top of their voices. Her face looked pale, dried tear spots clearly visible. She opened the gate. Her mother almost lost her mind on seeing the ‘death-setup’. The trio did not speak a word – they embraced themselves in each others’ arms and that was when another life emerged victorious over death!
“When will I grow up…?”
As toddlers, we all had this one genuine problematic thought running in the fleshy mass inside our skull. Wouldn’t we go insane when we couldn’t see the man at the ticket counter of the merry-go-round? How struggling was it to keep holding the huge palm of our dads while we constantly collided with the on-comers in the market! Remember how hard was it to squeeze through the crowd which, in my personal opinion, felt no less than a stampede? “Ah, when will I grow up?”
Now that time has flown with its famous derogatory speed and brought us ages ahead, we’ve grown up. Or have we? What exactly is growing up?
I’ll not put this as the common interrogative sesssion, but rather let me simply jot down the obvious statements to this question. First, it does not mean growing up in mass and size. Biologically, yes it does mean that but psychologically it doesn’t. You know, growing up is correctly attributed to being matured. We humans have a unique gift of understanding. Understanding situations, circumstances (do both the words mean the same?), feelings and most importantly, people. When was the last time you won someone over with your compassion and understanding? Psychologically speaking, everyone loves getting attention – even if some people say that they don’t like being in the limelight or that they don’t like getting attention, deep down they do. Now think about this: do you ever try to fit in someone’s league by agreeing with them on some facts, but in reality you yourself don’t really believe in it? That’s called Nomative Social Influence. What did you do here? You got their attention turned towards you because you wanted to be liked by that person. So in a nutshell, people like attention (even you did in the above scenario!). If you give your attention to someone albeit you aren’t interested in listening to them, it can level up your respect in that person’s eyes. That’s growing up.
Secondly, I know reading people’s mind can be a difficult task, but not always. People speak a lot when they don’t speak at all. Charismatic people are an exception though. Although their world might be fallen apart, they manage to put a smile on their face. But not all people are strong enough to do this. Each indivudual has their personal life, which obviosuly includes personal problems. Imagine you are pissed off at something and bump into someone who is pissed off as well. Would it be a mistake to fake a smile to him? Who knows, your smile could be an ice on his fire. That’s growing up.
Growing up is when your mind thinks in a practical way. Again, I would like to impress upon the fact that we are humans (don’t call me a stupid!). When you grow up, your relationships with people grow; at times it doesn’t. Let’s keep the growing part. So naturally, there comes trust and relaince on each other. There’s a saying “give generously whatever is possible to someone; don’t expect anything in return”. That’s far from the truth. In a healthy relationship with someone, one automatically desires that our input be returned in some way. It is the Reciprocity Norm. If there isn’t any effort from the other side, you know it’s time to leave. Leaving is not easy I know, but acknowledge your feelings and let it go. For God’s sakes, effort is beautiful. That’s growing up.
Stop chasing people, stop begging to people. Knowing that your self-esteem is something you’ve earned while you grew up and that you can’t just sell it off for anyone is growing up. Not everyone needs to know what you’ve been going through, barring a few closed ones. Stop posting it on social media (I personally hate this). Accept failure, embrace success. Modesty is beauty. Arm yourself with knowledge – it’s the only undefeated knight in your shining armour. Let the world know that you are a knowledgeable person, but without bragging about it. Because knowledge is attractive, isn’t it? Make people feel good about themselves – they’ll love you for that. Acknowledge people’s feelings, even if it is for you. Show confidence, kindness, respect and love. I mean what’s the harm in that? Understand and be understood. Know your goals. Try. Fail. Try again. Succeed! That’s growing up.
Hello once again! It’s been long – pretty long – since I last posted someting. Actually, I had my intermediate exams going on. And nothing could be scarier for a student like me than screwing up any paper. Consequently the dreaded period of exams kept me busy throughout. Testophobia.
“The best way to overcome your fears is to face them”.
I’m pretty sure all of you must be aware of this golden statement. Every individual on this planet fears at least something. Be it loneliness (ermitophobia), darkness (scotophobia), animals (zoophobia), electricity (electrophobia), speaking in public (glossophobia) and many more. In fact one would be amazed to know that there are some people who are afraid of many uncommon and eccentric things. For instance, while some people are gephyrophobic (afraid of bridges), some are ballistophobic (afraid of bullets); while we can see demophobics around (who are afraid of crowd), there are some who are even anthropophobic (they fear people)! My best friend Akriti has trust issues. She doesn’t trust people easily. Good Heavens I’m lucky, for you don’t get pistathrophobic people to trust you for life. Okay so getting into more of my people whom I’m surrounded with, there’s another girl-friend (semi-friendzoned..shh!) – she is kakorrhaphiaphobic as well as anglophobic. Yes she fears failure, especially in English! The tall guy in our group fears height (acrophobia) and another best friend of mine is tocophobic (fear of children). I mean are you kidding me? Anyway, if I talk talk about myself, I have my own list. Beginning with aichmophobia (fear of pointed objects), I have haemohobia (fear of blood) and the common one which you all should be knowing – claustrophobia (fear of enclosed places, remember?)
So what to do? I’m afraid we can do nothing but face our fears. Let me ask you this: do you feel embarrassed by revealing your fear(s) to others?
Seriously? They laugh?
Just ask them what are they afraid of. Sure as hell, at least something. For God’s sakes, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Before I sign off, a word of request…even if you are bibliophobic to some extent, do let me know what are your views about this article!
PS: I never knew I know my friends’ phobias. Now it’s time to tease them. NO! 😉
He lay on his bed without a movement. Hungery. Thirsty. Completely exhausted after the day’s work. Another twelve hours of work, he felt, had gone in vain. He looked around his small cubicle-sized room in the no-more-than-2bhk flat. The golden resplendence of the bedside floor lamp gave him sanity after the tiresome day. Living alone is all-time jeered task after all! It was midnight and there was dead silence all around. The only thing he could hear was the siren of an ambulence which probably was in a bit too hurry. What was the point of greasing himself everyday, he wondered. Long left his passion for painting, he had come to Delhi for a financially secure lifestyle. It had been eleven months since he joined as an employee in a company. He compared the liveliness of the moment when he had successfully passed the inteview for the job with the present moment.
“Why am I doing this?”, he sighed. He twisted and turned on his bed, unable to sleep. The thought that he had to undergo another twelve hours of workload disturbed him. He twisted again. He turned again. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. Minutes later, he woke up panic-stricken as if he saw a nightmare. In a cold January night, sweat droplets formed on his forehead.
“Damn, what was that?” His head ached. He got up to drink water. In a random movement of the eyes, he saw a blank canvas by the window. There were paints and brushes in a small bag hanging on the wall from a nail. One doesn’t need a brighter spark to be successful! Indifferent to the next day’s excuse for not showing up in the office, he washed the pallate and the brushes of different numbers, squeezed colour tubes over it, sat on a chair and plunged into the vast ocean of his passion – painting.
It was three hours (and 14 months) after which he had completed a painting.
The next morning he woke up and checked the time: 9:32 AM. Obviously, in no circumstances could he make it to his office on time. He had to take a leave. He looked at his painting. His eyes had a twinkle in them. They spoke a thousand words. After all, it was the masterpiece he had waited to paint since he had developed interest in painting. Another idea struck him. He thought of putting the painting on public display.
Post an hour, and after several attempts to contact the manager of an art gallery, he went there. No sooner did his painting hit the wall (which was approved by the manager in one go), people started humming about the excellence of the painting.
The painting contained his father on the left, his mother on the right, and the poor orphan in the centre. You must be guessing why then was it so special. Here’s why. It contained a message too at the bottom:
Even though I lost you both when I was 1 day old, it feels as if it was just yesterday. I haven’t even seen you properly, forget remembering your faces. But then yesterday night something happened. Your image flashed before my eyes and I saw this empty canvas…. I had promised you (even though I hadn’t) that one day I’ll make you proud. See, it’s on display. Though you’re not here, but I know you are. You know what’s going in my head right now: I’ve decided to leave my job and follow my passion.
Your little 1 day old 🙂
When was the last time you controlled your raging emotions for someone when you were on the verge of losing your mind? When was the last time you, for God’s sakes, just listened to the person who was twisting and crumbling your heart ‘with violent words and empty threats’? (I love this song). All was acceptable because the person means something to you. Period. Okay let’s make things worse. You are already sorry a million times for whatever you did not do. No you are not a fool; you’re just trying to save the relationship. Or maybe you are. Then comes your worst nigtmare: you were already screwed due to some fu****g sh**t happening in your life and boom, the person you care for shows you the middle finger (literally) while you’re just trying to calm him or her down. But Jeez! You don’t want to enrage the person all the more (even if you’re getting a lot hotter in your head!). Does that make sense? To the world, no; to you, yes.
And in all honesty, you pretty well know that this behaviour of them is slowly eating you up. It’s knawing at your heart and ceasing the beats. Still, oh you pitiable human, try your best to make things work. Let’s face it – a time comes when you abuse the person in your head (I mean obviously) and that’s it. You let your enraged emotions flow with abuses. Intelligent? No. For all those people in dire straits like this, my sincere prayers that you win the argument!!
Well, well, well…before I sign off, I forgot to apologise for calling you people a fool – because I myself am one of you! 😉
“That was a hell of a match!” Raj exclaimed.
“Of course yes. Especially that six Yuvi hit!” Vineet recalled. “What did you like Sarthak?”
His eyes didn’t at all move to his best friends. They were locked in a direction he himself was unaware of. Maybe, they were staring into space. He walked across the isle of seats in the white brilliance of the flood lights that stood tall in the Eden Gardens Stadium. A plethora of emotions was running in him. Memories…they took him back to two years before when Anushka had painted his life colourful. He felt the exact nerve-wracking feeling which he had felt on that special day when he had proposed to her. How his legs shaked, sweat trickling down his forehead. And the very next moment how much elated he was! He remembered his first date with her – the first kiss that is – and the sensuality of the moment. How could he miss the gentle touch of her fingers on his lips to wipe off the cream of the ice cream they had together? Then there were those ‘I love you’ refrains. He couldn’t help but curse himself for leaving her…
“…Sarthak? What happened man?”
He barely knew how to react to the question. He fumbled between words to answer to his best friend. Finally he spoke,
I didn’t see the match, nor did she. I didn’t even see the people sitting beside me. She was sitting on the eighth seat right… Forget it, seven thousand bucks paid off really well!
And a smile lit his face.